There are phrases that's known for life, "Life is like a rollercoaster" and "Live life to the fullest because you will never know what will happen the next day". If you really think about it, its true. Life can't just be in a straight line where it's dull and boring. And there are unexpected things that happen to you or someone you know and love. It has its ups and downs which brings out the definition of life. I had my ups and downs and an unexpected thing that happened in my life which was aunty passing away last year January.
It was a Saturday afternoon, and like any other Saturday I would be out cruising with my friends, but instead I went to see my aunty in the hospital. She looked the same in the ICU at the Hawaii Medical Center with the blessed rosary still tied to her bed, her swollen body lying, tubes sticking in her to keep her heart beating, and the monitor showing how fast or slow her heart rate was. We hoped and prayed that she will soon get better but evidently it didn't help. That night I slept over my cousins' house and played the XBox and Wii until we received a call from the hospital saying her condition worsened. The nurse told us we had to go to the hospital right immediately. We rushed to get into the cars; closed all the windows, turned off the lights or whatever was plugged in, and locked the doors and gate. We tried to hurry as fast and safe and quickly as possible. While driving there I could feel fear crawling though my spine telling me to get ready for whatever news they needed to tell us. My cousin finally drove through the entrance scanning the parking lot for an open slot and I realized nothing would be the same if she was gone. I had to stop thinking negatives and more positives.
As I got out and go straight into the elevators, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I stepped out of the elevator with my family and felt a cold breeze of horridness blowing right through me. Every step I took I thought about how my aunty would look like now, every breathe I take I pray my auntie could breathe as normal as can be, and every heart beat I have I hope her heart will be as normal as mine. While waiting for the nurse, I can see the agony and fear in my family's eyes. The nurse finally walked in and we just all looked at her. She said, "We tried the best we could but Ms. Madriaga's heart suddenly stopped.... I am sorry for your loss." I was shocked, speechless, terrified and any other expression there was that could relate to the news I heard through my little ears. We walked into her room where she laid the last time we saw her; tubes still stuck in her and the rosary tied on the rail of the bed. The nurse left us alone for our privacy and we just gushed out crying. I couldn't believe my eyes, seeing her lie on the bed lifeless.
After that night, the tragedy that I have went through made me realize to live life to the fullest because you'll never know what will happen tomorrow or next week or next month. What happened to my aunty was sudden. First thing you know she was okay and next thing she's lying on a bed with tubes and machines to help her get better. I know my aunty is watching over me and wants me to have the best of my life. And this is what I believe.
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hi sis.
ReplyDeletehonestly, this was very touching & it made me cry. I like your intro, it's plain & simple & straight to the point & it transitions well into the next paragraph. You did a good job describing your experiences but i think you should add more of how you felt. Instead of "We rushed to get into the cars; closed all the windows, turned off the lights or whatever was plugged in, and locked the doors and gate. We tried to hurry as fast and safe and quickly as possible." You could add what was running through your mind at as you rushed to do those things. Pretty much same suggestion for the rest of the essay. But you did a really great job & good luck on your final. :)
Hey Thea.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, that was a super good essay. Mine is acctually kind of like yours but different stories. yours is better. anyways, you could fix it by adding more feeling to it. You could also say more about exactly what you were thinking after you saw your aunty in the hospital. but that was good.
good luck:)
-jisel
Hi Thea,
ReplyDeleteNicely done essay about an event that moved you deeply.
I agree with Charina about cutting down on some of the details that are not really necessary. I would also suggest cutting out the entire first paragraph because it "tells, not shows." Your details about your aunty and all of the medical equipment, show her condition and your concern. I would also try to revise out all of the emotion words (like "shocked, speechless, terrified, horrid," etc.) Instead of telling people how you felt, show them. It will have much more impact...like the detail about the rosary tied to the bed...it's a small detail, but one that it very moving, much more so than the word "terrified" or "agony" "tragedy"...that one vivid detail shows your family's faith and hope.
Let me know if you have questions...
mrs s