There is a time in life when everyone loses someone they love or know. It's either a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt uncle, cousin, niece, nephew, or friend. Having to lose someone brings sadness, grief, sorrow, and weeping, because no one and nothing can bring that person back. When you receive the message that some you love passed away, there's nothing you can do but cry. Cry until the tears streaking down your face no longer fall and have puffy, red eyes afterwards. And the number one question is always "why did this have to happen?" There is no real reason why people die; its just the way of life. But what you do know is that you would need to take more responsibilites of your actions and for other people.
I had been through the stages, especially when my auntie passed away. I still remember the night we got the call from the hospital. The lady told us my auntie's condition worsened and so we had to go to the hospital immediately. At that momoent I didn't want to think anything negative but pray she's going to be all right.
The lady made us wait in the waiting room and at that moment I and the rest of my family know something was seriously wrong. The nurse looked at the ground and looked up afterward. She said they did as much as they could but my auntie's heart just stopped. Her next words she said was the same every other doctor/nurse says, "I'm sorry for your loss."
When we walked into the room where my auntie lied, we didn't know what to do but cry, wonder, and be more responsible. My auntie did a lot for us and since she isn't here to do those things we need to make sure those things will be done. She took care of us, here nieces and nephews, her father, sisters, and brother.
I still can't believe she's gone but what I do know is she's always in my heart. If I could be with here one more time I would. But until then I need to do my job and responsibilities like what my auntie had done.
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I like your essay thea. But there were a lot of grammatical errors. Like in the second to the last paragraph, the first sentences seems like a run-on to me. I think it might be missing comma's of something. And other words are in the wrong pretense.
ReplyDeleteI think you shud relate more to it to show your self more. Its a college application, so you shud tell more what it opened your eyes to and what you learned from it. You shud sneak some things about yourself in there.
Good Luck:)
Good job, Thea, on your essay.
ReplyDeleteI think that you should add more about what you did and how you feel. When you said that your aunty passed away, you should state more about your reactions and what you did to keep yourself calm. You should use more words to describe your essay.
But overall, I think that you did really good but could explain more about it.
-jisel
HI Thea,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your classmates. You've got a good topic and you seem to have a strong emotional connection to it, but that needs to come through in show, not tell.
I also need to know the essay prompt that you are writing to. Please include it in your final revision.
I would start with the "story"...with the word from the hospital and the shock of your auntie's death.
Right now, the beginning of the essay is kind of like a list...first of relatives and then of synonyms for sadness. It doesn't really show your connection to it.
Also, like your classmates have said, since this is a college application essay, you need to focus on how the experience changed you. You mention it, but tha't more tell than show...how did you become more responsible after your auntie's passing?
mrs s